I can recognise when it's coming, now. Almost like I can hear it's near-silent footsteps or pick up the familiar scent, or I'm aware of the almost imperceptible prickling under my skin. Overwhelm.
When it creeps in unnoticed, so too do the thoughts that don't belong there. The ones that point at the circumstances and smugly lift an eyebrow, don't even bother trying, you're not good enough. You can't do this.
I started to feel it too, a bit of the overwhelm, and wondered if indeed I could do all the things that seemingly stood, large and intimidating like mountains in front of me. I couldn't focus, I didn't even know where to begin, squirmed inwardly and outwardly too.
But then my heart was stilled, reminded of the verse that says lead me to the rock that is higher than I. *
I looked at the time, dropped what I was doing and made an appointment with Peace.
The beach was completely empty but for the seagulls and I could see so clearly to the islands over the stretch of incredible blue. And instead of allowing the overwhelm a place in my heart or the thoughts a place in my mind, I pounded the sand as I pounded out my prayers. Refusing to let feelings of unworthiness or inadequacy become bigger than my faith.
It's amazing what happens when we lift our eyes. It's amazing what happens when we cast our cares. "Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life."**
Christ displaces worry. I know it doesn't make sense, but it's truth. And yes, the circumstances I pounded out prayers about were still there when I arrived back to the part of the beach where I started - but the overwhelm wasn't.
Because there's a peace the the mind can't understand that comes when you just lay it all before Him and let your heart settle down.
* Psalm 61:2
** Philippians 4:6-7 The Message Paraphrase