agenda. or losing it.

Agenda. Defined as a plan or list of matters to be attended to.
I have lost my patience twice three times this week.
I scolded crossly, impatiently, and probably not very kindly.
Today, in church, I was thinking about these three times, and countless others during my motherhood journey. I was reciting the fruits of the spirit in my mind, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, self-control.
What makes me react? What robs me of my patience, and kindness in those moments?

Always, always, always it's because my agenda; my plan, my list, my to-do's have been messed with.
I've lost control over it because someone has forgotten something, needed help with something, taken too long to do something, is impossible to please because her hair is crazy, been disobedient or accidentally spilled or broken something... and I loose my patience*.
I lose it because control is lost.
I lose it because we're rushing, or I don't want to help put those leggings on because I know she has done it before by herself and she can do it now. I lose it because things are not going to plan.
I lose it with a groan or an eye roll.
I sigh hard, and frown and scold in exasperation, which helps nothing but to bring down little spirits of those I care so much for
And my heart breaks thinking about my impatience and my unkindness and my prioritising my own agenda.
When I'm being called to lay down my life, to be a servant, to put others before myself.
Especially those I have been gifted with the role of mothering.

And impatience doesn't work. My heavy sigh of annoyance don't help the heart of an already-sorry-he-made-a-mess child. It doesn't make things move more quickly or more smoothly.
It just makes us all feel rotten.

So. I am vowing to put my agenda aside.
Maybe we'll be late a few times. Maybe I'll have to be a little more organised.
But I'll be more patient with my tiny humans. I'll speak more kindly.
And I'll put less pressure on myself to perform to my own impossibly high standards - ie. not everything has to be done or perfect.

The Bible says soft speech breaks down the most bonelike resistance.**
That it is better to be patient than powerful.***
There is the quiet, calm patience, the enduring patience, the bearing-a-load patience, the persevering and steadfast and remaining patience.
So, I'll stay. Remain.
That patience that the Spirit produces in us (Galatians 5:22) literally means to be able to hold one's temper.
I guess we have a choice. Lose the agenda or lose the patience*.
Not by my own strength but His as I lay down my own schedule and slow down to be better at this life thing.

*I was going to write the word shit instead here. But, backlash.
** Proverbs 25:15
*** Proverbs 16:32